BTT #21: Real NEWSpeak and Fake NEWSpeak at the Seedy Sea.

Editor’s (HarveyCat) Note:  Lona was hoping to share a peaceful poem about winter.  But events at the CDC have conspired to force her to post instead a blog that is both timely and topical (She hates being timely and topical).  You will notice that she is holding a reporter’s clipboard, wearing glasses (she thinks they make her look smart) and her Christmas party outfit from the party she had to skip when I called her in to break some fake news.  You can see that she looks none too pleased at being reduced from the high art of poetry to the second lowest common denominator of political satire.

 

First:  Here is some recent Real News that does not make much sense:

“The Trump administration is prohibiting officials at the nation’s top public health agency from using a list of seven words or phrases — including “fetus” and “transgender” — in official documents being prepared for next year’s budget.  Policy analysts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta were told of the list of forbidden terms at a meeting Thursday with senior CDC officials who oversee the budget, according to an analyst who took part in the 90-minute briefing. The forbidden terms are “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based.”  Source:  Dec 15, 2017 article in “The Washington Post.”  see this link for the full article:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/cdc-gets-list-of-forbidden-words-fetus-transgender-diversity/2017/12/15/f503837a-e1cf-11e7-89e8-edec16379010_story.html?utm_term=.d3affa02a840

Next:  Here is some Fake News that does not make much sense either, but might be less scary because it is fake:

(FULL DISCLOSURE: THE FOLLOWING NEWS IS FAKE.  SOURCE: MY VERY OWN LITTLE FAKE SATIRICAL REPORTING FROM MY OWN MIND – SO YES THE SOURCE IS CONFIDENTIAL, OR AT LEAST A LITTEL OPAQUE – DONE IN THE HOPE OF LAUGHING IN ORDER TO KEEP FROM CRYING, BUT JUST SO WE DON’T HAVE ANY CONFUSION HERE OVER WHAT IS REAL OR FAKE, THE FOLLOWING NEWS STORY IS FAKE, F-A-K-E.  FAKE AS CAKE, SLY LITTLE LIE, WINK ATCHA FAKE.  (whispers – this means this is not real).  okey dokie, here we go…

In an effort to clear up some of the confusion as to what words CDC and HHS officials should use when drafting budgetary documents, The Big Guy has issued a style-guide to give some alternatives that they would find acceptable to replace the newly forbidden words.

1. Vulnerable:  Instead use Lazy, Disgusting, or Losers (if you wish to be emphatic you can precede these choices with either ‘Total’ or ‘Totally.’

2. Entitlement: Instead use the phrase “the stuff that is just a big hand-out to total losers that everyone else has to pay for but that some people get for free – because they are entitled”  You know, like WIC, head-start, and vaccines for children.

3. Diversity:  This just refers to the housekeeping staff anyway, so you don’t really have to use this word.

4.  Transgender:  Instead use Creep, Weirdo, or Queer.  But the word queer can be used ONLY in those cases where the person actually does NOT want to be called queer.

5.  Fetus: Placenta-addicted losers.

6.  Evidence-based and science based:  Instead use the phrase “CDC bases its recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes.”  (That part is real, the next part is fake again…)  Community refers to any group of people that isn’t the housekeeping staff.  To clarify what is meant by wishes, each CDC official will be issued an Aladdin’s lamp that they can rub and rub to their hearts content while making a wish.  (Lona whispers: Many of the CDC scientists and staff are purported to be wishing that they could retire, while many others are wishing it were already 2020).

Also, HHS and CDC are soon both to be recategorized under the newly created Ministry of Plenty.  Staff should review the latest Ministry of Love rosters to find out if they have been assigned to either a terrific re-education seminar on newspeak fluency or to one of the joycamps.  BYOR! (Bring your own Rodents).

Editor’s (HarveyCat) Note: This is a picture sent to us by Lona’s friend Amazon Braveheart… she is working the pumpkin patch beat, patiently waiting for 2020.