BTT #81: Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, In Remembrance

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Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, In Remembrance.

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“Well you only ever really know that you’re living, when you’re totally sure that you’re dying, Maybe we get where we want to go. I don’t know, Fuck it, maybe the earth opens up and swallows us whole.”

Laura Jane Grace/ Against Me¡, 12:03

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I have lost

Both old and young

Loved ones,

And also two’s,

Our infant child who just

Squeezed my hand

And breathed only right

Up until she was given leave

To leave.

And then I also

Thought I heard my

Granddad’s voice

In my head

Several days after

I had heard that

He was dead.

I could not make the

Funeral trip, and cried out quiet

In the night that I loved him,

He never was much for words,

“I love you too,”

Was all he said.

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Like everyone,

And everytwo,

I have lost out to death,

But was I really able to

Be sad about it

The way

 I was supposed to?

Each grief,

Back then,

Was wrapped softly in

A velvet cushion,

Of expectation

For sweet reunion,

The words I heard

And truly held

Were that death was not a

Loss, but just a bit

Of a wait,

An embrace, and smile,

Would greet us, and perhaps

We would give and get

A grace or two, as an old harsh

Word or silence or grudge

Was left outside the gate.

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But now,

When doubt has found me,

I grieve you

Father and Mother God

Most deeply.

You were, after all,

Always with me,

From first remembered steps

My hands were folded,

I was lucky, to be sure,

That I was told that you

Preferred that I be loved

Instead of scolded.

When my daughter died,

I thought I felt you

Lift her in your arms

Towards your shore,

And when the darkness

Almost took me,

And I wanted to end

Because I was simply

Desperate to really be alive,

Rather than just pretend,

I felt a warm and simple

Peace that I should live,

And be myself, even if

That made it seem I was

Taking more than I could give.

I dreamed my tears were

Caught in loving hands,

Kind eyes gazing,

Smiling in that place where

Pain just fell out through

A bloody scratched-out door.

All these things are with me,

But are you really,

Really there,

Or just ideas of love

Gathering in our hearts and

In the air?

I cannot simply scrawl

An epitaph that “God is dead,”

For something wants to whisper

Even still,

Pressing, calling from down the hallway

For me to answer.

Is it sunspots,

Or tiny seizures?

I am certain only that

I can never again be certain

Whether there is something

Other than ourselves

Out there whirling

In all the

Space and dust

And time

Behind the curtain.

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I can’t delay

A single breath in waiting

For that better world

Or new frontier,

If that is where we will

Arrive one day,

Blinking and maybe

Not surprised,

It can only be

By way of

Living now and

Living here.

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I still want you,

I miss you,

I grieve you,

And each of your children I have lost

I grieve again now

In a new way,

As if they’re really gone,

Because they are.

And my faith is like

Peter Pan’s shadow

That has flown,

And can’t be reconnected by

Either needle, thread,

Or soap,

It makes no sense to be hiding

Anywhere except

Where I am standing,

Backlit,

Somehow by something

Circling in my mind,

Is it you?

Or just a remnant

Lingering as something

Either fades or brightens,

You tell me which,

Into slippery hope.

  • Lona Gynt, November 1, 2022 on Dia De Los Muertos.
  • All rights reserved for text and photos.

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In response to a prompt over at dVerse, where Mish is hosting. on this Dia De Los Muertos, she invites us to write a poem about a loved one we have lost, on this day where we may celebrate a brief opening between our world and the world of the dead. Here is the link:

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33 thoughts on “BTT #81: Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, In Remembrance


  1. And my faith is like
    Peter Pan’s shadow
    That has flown,
    And can’t be reconnected by
    Either needle, thread,
    Or soap,

    Lona – this profoundly touches me.

    My eyes and heart gobbled up every word of this poem.

    ~David

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Lona. This is such a well written heart wrenching piece. I am so sad that you lost your daughter. I can’t begin to imagine what that loss must be like. Though your hope is on a slippery slope, hang on tight to your faith and believe that God still loves you even in times of doubt!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A very moving write Lona and I felt your words deeply. The grieving never stops though time has moved on. The most painful for me would be the child’s death, and that experience can crushed anyone. Hope all is well and thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. we lost her 20 years ago, and a lot about me has changed, so interesting to grieve her again, now that I have changed, it has changed her too, and I miss her in a new way, but so comforting and meaningful to feel her power and value still in me. Thank you always for your beautiful words my friend

    Like

  5. I have been seeing my dead in a new way as I age, not because I ever believed in life after death as anything but a rearrangement of our material elements into new life, but because I think grief takes time to reveal the depths of what is absent. I mourn with you both the tangibles and the intangibles of your losses. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. An exquisite stream of consciousness, gathering questions and insight along the way. I especially love this….”I dreamed my tears were/Caught in loving hands/Kind eyes gazing/Smiling in that place where/Pain just fell out through/A bloody scratched-out door.” Wow.
    I’m so sorry for your loss, Lona….to lose a child is devastating and life changing.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s only my opinion, but it seems to me that believers in an afterlife spend most of their real life worrying about whether or not they’re going to have one. The likelihood that they are, is infinitesimal, so enjoy what you have, be as good and generous as you can, try and leave the world better than you found it. What’s gone is gone, but we can make life better for those who are still here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do have joy that she was here, however small, however brief, if love has the flip-side of grief, I’ll take both sides and keep that coin. Right here, right now, forever is too much of a sprawl.
      Always am grateful for your sweet reading friend

      Like

  8. My daughter and I went to see Mozart’s Requiem performed last night and your poem was there too as I had read it the night before but had no words. Amidst the Mass, I thought of you and those you lost and especially your faith. It came to me that there were some, maybe many but I do not know, among the listeners as well as the musicians who did not believe the words/music they were hearing/playing/singing. Of course there are the blessed innocent like my daughter and the other children present who may not really know God because they are still so close to Him as if in Him. They do not know separation. But there were others present who have chosen to be children of the world instead. And they may like what they were hearing and they may have the talent to play those notes or sing those Latin words of the Mass, but they, in their choice, won’t be able to feel the profound depths of this music and what it means as one stands in awe, in wonder, in redemption, in Love before their Creator. My weeping at the closing, “Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat eis,
cum sanetis tuis in aeternum, Quia pius es” rendered me unfit to speak for the next hour as we [tried to] congratulated the musicians we knew. Thou art merciful! Your faith, Lona, my faith, would be nothing without it’s shadow of a doubt, that a life under the sun will inevitably cast. In my twenty-plus year battle with depression and self-hatred, Mozart’s Requiem (which you probably know he died while composing) allowed me to feel a gratitude for my life and at least for one right choice I’ve made: to wake up to being a child of God. Imagine not being moved to capacity to music! This life of faith and doubt, as opposed to a life of one devoid of the other, is a hard path but what our souls need. Sending my love.
    – Amaya

    Liked by 1 person

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